Fanning The Flames
Welcome back to the Lion’s Den, little cubs; it has just been far too long since the smell of destruction hit my nose on the day after your little celebrations. You guys certainly did not disappoint the other night and I’m just relishing in the sound of your little hearts breaking with regrets today. And for the ones who have forgotten their little indiscretions: never fear, for we all know that I’m ready and willing to give away all of your dirty little secrets.
First, I’ve gotta say that Party Hardy seems to be losing his touch. Aren’t you supposed to be the party king of Briarcliffe? Bonfire night has definitely proved otherwise… The night was slowly turning into a trip to snoozeville until Windsor’s Truck showed up with Butch attached to his hip. A highly amusing fight-if I can even call it that- broke out between the lowly pair and the host of the show, backup provided by Mr. President himself, and The French Croissant. I was almost drunk with delight until the President used his political intelligence to form a deal with the Truck: diplomatic immunity in exchange for a nice night. I don’t think the Truck lived up to his end of the bargain as far as I’m concerned, though. Perhaps handling that little situation should be the next order of business, Mr. President, don’t you think?
Random nonsense in the form of Hello Kitty and The Goat took the place of the amusing encounter and the party took a turn for the weird. Little bit of advice, kids, that’s what drugs do to your mind so just say no if you’re not willing to act as if you’re a two year old hopped up on the cocaine. It didn’t take long for The Goat to cause more mischief in the form of a roofie being slipped into Sourpuss’ glass. To my disappointment, the girl seemed to handle it pretty well after interrupting the Truck and Butch talking of her misfortunate accident with some poison ivy- I do hope that itch clears up by the way, it’s not pleasant to see you scratching your ass all day. Sourpuss crawled her way home eventually, landing herself outside of her room instead of in her own bed, without the help of someone who was willing. Listen, doll, your resilience is something to admire but don’t kill yourself next time over something you couldn’t help. That’s called stupidity.
Sourpuss wasn’t the only one who was roofied last night it seems. Poor little Lady in Waiting just didn’t listen to her instincts when Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds handed her the sweet little nectar that would be her downfall. Lady was in for a rough night it seems as the sophomore girl ended up on the ground for all to see, the girl collapsing to her knees as the effect took over her body. It’s funny to me that the President and Golden Boy just seemed to ignore the youngest Kennedy but everyone else ran to her rescue as quickly as they could. The Queen didn’t seem too happy with Lady- which is ironic considering the girl was finally starting to show signs of actually belonging in the house-and she ordered Fashionista to keep an eye on her for the rest of the night. Punishment is sure to come to Lady soon, but thanks should go to The Forgotten Son who ended up being the person to take care of her through the night. But don’t worry little cubs, he got his payment by the end of the night in the form of a truly unforgettable first kiss- well, at least unforgettable to you alone. Don’t be too discouraged though, Forgotten, at least you got some in return which is more than I can say for your brother when he came to the rescue of The Elite Princess.
I guess the whole incident started when the Golden Boy ignored the advances of his Princess, something we all know shouldn’t be done if you want some action from that girl. Offended in the most obnoxious way, she made her way over to Windsor’s Truck where the two proceeded to tease the hell out of each other. Somehow ending up in the Truck’s lap with her lips attached to his- seriously, how were you two breathing through the mass of hair and the seemingly sewn together faces?- The Princess got a nice surprise when The Truck’s not girlfriend, Butch, snatched her ass off of him. The slap Butch laid across H’s face will be one I will remember for the rest of my Windsor career, the sound bringing delight to my ears as I watched Princess fall to the ground. It didn’t seem to matter that Golden Boy came to the rescue though, the boy stepping between the girls in an effort to gain points back but, yet again, failing miserably. Princess ended up in Bend It’s arms out of all people, pouting behind his chest as Dick Pic tried to figure out what was going on (as per usual). Unsurprisingly, Golden Boy left with the President, his head all in a tizzy from the anger buzzing through his mind. I think the biggest kicker here is that Golden Boy didn’t even know what his damsel was doing to earn that slap to the face since he was off in the woods with the President pissing the night away- quite literally, I might add.
On the other end of the spectrum, we find the Truck running after Butch in a fit of anger, cornering her in the woods and demanding an explanation from the girl. Stupidity must be contagious since he was only one who couldn’t see the obvious reasons as to why Butch would do such a thing; we all know jealousy is a very powerful emotion. Eventually, Butch kissed the dumbfounded asshole and to my utter shock and delight, he turned the girl down. For the first time in Windsor history, I think the Truck turned down sex and how fun it was to see the horror on Butch’s face as she left him behind. Tell me, Butch, does it suck not being desirable enough for one of the biggest man whores this school has seen? Perhaps you should consider paying Bend It a visit next time, instead. He’s always willing to have just about anyone in his bed.
This seemed to be the point where everyone started to make their way back to the dorms, though, The Queen herself had been missing in action for quite some time. It seems her and Party Hardy had some things to discuss after the boy came to the Queen’s rescue. Maybe she was repaying her knight in shining armor for his efforts throughout the night since she ended up in Briarliffe instead of Bellemont at the end of the night. Tell me, Queeny, are we still as virtuous as you’d like us all to believe or did we lose some dignity? My bet is on the former seeing as you’re pretty much the biggest prude I’ve ever met in my life but who’s to say Windsor hasn’t corrupted you just like the rest of the students?
The Queen wasn’t the only student who ended up in the wrong dorm, something to be expected from all the parties here at Windsor. We pan in on Windsor’s Prince walking Lady in Waiting to her dorm room despite her lips being all over the Forgotten Son earlier in the night. Lady is starting to show some true colors, convincing the Prince to stay with her in Bellemont. I just have to give props to the Queen though, the girl having a loyal subject in the form of a Fashionista keep an eye on the two to make sure Lady didn’t turn her brother into as big of a train wreck as the sixteen year old begging him to stay in her room. You people and your love lives are exhausting.
Honorable mentions for the night go to Seattle flashing Golden Boy and The President on a dare, sending the two boys in a state of euphoric confusion and having the girl live up to her Rossdale name. We can’t forget the Brain drinking it up with the Prince and Honourable Number Two; proving that the job of corruption isn’t only left to the Radleys and Rossdales. And the atrocious act of The Golden Boy’s nose being lick by an unsavory smoke filled Ross, who seems to only speak four words at a time. The Mute should learn to keep her mouth away from where it’s not welcome, that perfect face is ruined for me now. Speaking of good things being ruined by bad people, what’s with the Elites and their lesser love interests these days? Thing 2 deciding to show up with Farmgirl, a Baker might I add, wasn’t all that shocking though it should be a punishable offense. The surprising part was Fashionista buddying up to Trust Issues all night long. It didn’t seem as if The Ballerina was very pleased with them as she stormed off from the two. Looks like Fahsionista has some s’plaining to do. And of course I can’t go on without mentioning The Queen’s Stalker giving a blowjob to Monkey Boy behind a tree somewhere only after she made out with Lucy during the rousing game of Truth or Dare. Have fun explaining that one, little one. You’ll never be Queen Bee now. No worries though, A for effort.
Keeping up with all of your antics is a dirty job, not to mention tiring, but someone’s got to do it. But remember cubs, next time you might just have a little help from me to further things along. Don’t ever forget that I’m watching and be sure to keep on those toes… you never know when I’ll decide to intervene in your perfect little lives. After all, I do love the smell of decaying relationships in the morning.
Kisses and hugs and all my love, oh my. Keep the Lion’s Den roaring, little cubs.